The following is from yet unreleased Part II book! If you still reading Part I you may not want to read this.
Also, please be aware that there is some strong language present, as well as mild description of violence.
Linkin Park – Catalyst 5:39
Three weeks passed. New person had come through Tomas’ doors. Lady in her late twenties, gliding like a model walked in. She looked like a model too, bit too posh though. It was supposed to be Helena’s turn, Tomas got worried that she had asked to be replaced, after the “incident”. ‘Hi, my name is Violetta, I’m a psychologist. Peter had informed you that I’m coming?’
T: ‘Long time ago, yes. Is Helena still coming?’
V: ‘It will be just the two of us today, but no worries, she will come another day again.’
T: ‘I’m not worried.’ Said in so quiet voice, that she couldn’t hear. He realized as he was saying it, that it’s blatant lie anyway. He stood up and shake her hand. ’It’s nice to meet you.’
V: ‘I was told that you have all the groceries, etc.’
T: ‘Yes, I don’t really need anything, thank you.’
V: ‘Well, I was hoping that we could have a chat. Nothing formal, just friendly chat. Is there any subject you would like to suggest?’ She said very formally though.
T: ‘Yes, you. I would like to know more about you.’
V: ‘What about me?’
T: ‘Just in general. You know, where you came from etc.’
They may have spent hour or two talking about general topics. Had a meal together and Tomas got more relaxed to talk to her.
V: ‘So tell me, what it is like to kill 34 people?’ If Tomas had still food in his mouth, he would have spitted it out of surprise. His mouth may have stayed open for a moment before collecting himself. First time he has shown any genuine emotion in a long time.
T: ‘Peter said 33, I’m not even sure to be honest.’
V: ‘Well, I’m counting that one in the China, or is there even more that we don’t know of?’
T: ’No, 34 it is then.’ Tomas got quiet, but realized that she still expects an answer.
T: ‘Not sure what you expect me to say to that.’
V: ‘The truth of course.’ She turned very calm and cold in comparison to previous hours that she had been very social in, laughing and all.
T: ‘I only did what I had to do, I didn’t want to kill anyone!’ He said firmly.
V: ‘I didn’t challenge that, I asked how did it feel?’ Tomas took pause to think about it.
T: ‘There in that moment, nothing. I was fighting for survival, I didn’t feel anything. Rage, if something. After? I do my best not to think about it.’
V: ‘I know this is a hard question, but you must understand that I’m here professionally, Peter would like to know if you’re fit to be released back to the public life, should that be even possible.’ Tomas was shocked once again, how blunt and cold she turned.
T: ‘Even if that was the truth, why would you tell me that? Are you not afraid, that if I’m not fit, I would just run away anyway?!There are the doors, who’s is here to stop me?!’
V: ‘There is no point not being honest with you, if I expect honesty. That can be painful, awkward, but still the best approach. To answer your question: Triad’s would most likely. If you go out before its safe, you may die. If not them, then perhaps another contract killers. I heard that there is a lot of money offered for your life. If I could, I would do you myself to collect.’ She said that with perfect poker face.
V: ‘Laugh, that was a joke of course!’
T: ’Of course.’ Tomas really struggled to understand if she is trying to be offensive on purpose as a joke, or just being so blunt, so direct and cold, it can’t be even considered offensive. It’s just truth. She patiently waited for his response.
T: ‘I don’t know what to say, one simply doesn’t ask that question in the first place.’
V: ’Why not? I’m psychologist, I can. Besides, this is why I’m here, to make a psychological profile of you.’
T: ‘Well, we had spent a lot of hours together already, can’t you tell what kind of person I am already?’
V: ‘You seem strangely…ordinary, all considered.’
T: ‘What did you expect I will be like?’
V: ‘I don’t know, I never profiled anyone that had killed that many people.’
T: ‘In defence!’ Firmly again.
V: ‘Yes, that’s correct, I don’t argue against. I’m genuinely intrigued, could I get an honest answer to that?’
T: ‘As I said, I don’t try to think about it, to keep my sanity. It’s not easy. Now and then, I lost myself in those thoughts, if I don’t preoccupy my mind. I may have had a dream or two about certain events, regrets included.’
V: ‘Regrets of what?’
T: ‘That Mike had died, that the girl died and I just stood there watching them die.’
V: ‘How did that make you feel?’ Tomas almost got emotional inside, though always like nothing is happening on the surface.
T: ‘Like a pussy, like pretender! A failure!’
V: ‘Why? Wouldn’t you die otherwise?! What choice did you had?!’
T: ‘That was my rationalizing of my decisions. The Truth is, I still may die. But, I had a chance to die honest to myself, to who I thought I was.’
T: ‘Someone that would rather die in combat, than watch two innocent people being killed because of me. And I did nothing! Nothing! They could have killed me after without slight resistance on my part. I would have not make them pay one bit for what they did. As I always thought I would. I will never forgive myself, never!’ Now Tomas was first time visibly upset, but still calm.
V: ‘But you have killed 33 people after, with a sword, was that revenge?’
T: ‘Revenge?!Lady, I was fighting for survival! They wanted to slowly torture me, slice of bits of my body until I’m dead!’ His voice raised now.
V: ‘And how would you know that?’ She is still calm, cold.
T: ‘Because I was there?!Because I’m still alive? How come only four of them stepped forward at first?!How come it was obvious to me from the start that they are not trying to kill me, but to hurt me?! They underestimated me! I realized that strait away and I didn’t hold back one bit! I saw the chance! Before they realized they can’t just torture me, it was too late for them! The guy that came after, must have been the brother of the DI that I killed in Hong Kong. He was toying with me! He was better…faster…I had battle rage in me and wanted revenge at that point! For Mike, for that poor girl! When he finally went full out on me, if it wasn’t for the rage…for the will to live, for the desire to avenge them…
V: ‘But Fok was the one killing Mike and the girl, you didn’t really avenge them. You just killed people that had come to avenge the dead of the DI’s brother.’
T: ‘I know that! As I said I was fighting for survival! God, 33 of them huh…? Fuck them!!Fuck them, those scumbags must have done things in the past that are unspeakable! Killed innocent people, torture and god know what else.’ He got quiet. ‘You want me to apologize for surviving?!’
V: ‘Not at all, I’m just trying to find out what’s in your head. You mention God a lot, are you religious?’
T: ‘No, it’s just a habit, best expression of what I’m trying to express by it…’ He got quiet again, but then remembered there was another question to answer.
T:’I just want live normal life, but even before this I always felt that there was “gun” pointed at me.’
V: ‘What do you mean by that?’
T: ‘There were always aggressors out there. As a child there were bullies, as an adult I feel that the state itself is the bully.’
V: ‘How come?’
T: ‘Omg, so many examples we would be here for a lifetime! Let’s just say I don’t feel there is any justice or truth. And if you object, if you try to point out or disobey the nonsense that may come out of the system, then you are fucked. I apologize, I swear to much, but when I get heated it happens. Besides, there is no better words to express more accurately my feelings about it.’
V: ‘It’s Ok, no offense taken.’
T: ‘The point was, if you don’t like how they run it, they will make you by force. Murderer walks out because of legislative mistake? Oh well, he walks, law is law. You don’t like it? Well, there will be a lot of police, to police you into submission. Going to war because of whatever bullshit made-up nonsense, killing millions in the process? Same thing. And the perpetrators walk free among us even after public exposure. It was perfectly legal! The people up top, push the people down low, to sum it up. Just look at my situation. Should I have gone to the police, I would have been in jail, possibly death sentence, for what? Defending myself from the mob?’
V: ’That is not entirely truth either is it? You had killed a man, and would be on the run from the legal system of China, if it wasn’t for the fact that the triads tend to administer their own justice. That’s why you had people going after you, and you had killed them too.’ Tomas seem defeated, again very settle but visible expression of his emotion.
T: ‘I’m not a bad person, my mom hadn’t raised a cold-blooded killer. It just, happened. I protected the weak, the defenceless! Then…It was more reaction than anything else, it was automatic… I had rage in my hearth against those kind of people. Animals! He tried to kill me and I snapped in rage! And you know what?! In that moment it felt good! No, great! Justice served!’ He calmed down a bit.
T: ‘I guess I turned into what I hated. I’m not the same person anymore. Especially now. But I had no choice! It was either me or them ever after! I will make no excuses for my actions, nor cry about that it isn’t fair. I realize it’s my own doing. All I had to do was…nothing. Watch the oppressed being oppressed, like everybody else. But I couldn’t, and took it too far.
V: ‘But, now you have a chance to lead normal life, perhaps.’
T: ‘Or die like a coward in hiding…Or you will kill me for all I know, should you decide I’m not fit for public!’
V: ‘I highly doubt that would-be Peter’s course of action. I would not approve that, btw.’
T: ‘You are Peter’s superior?’
V: ‘No, but I do have major role of influence in our organization.’
T: ‘Is there a point of me asking regarding the organization?’ She laughed.
V: ‘No.’ There was a moment of silence.
T: ‘It’s sickens me!’
V: ‘What sickens you?’
T: ‘Like we are living our lives like a sheep. There is always aggressor pointing gun at us metaphorically speaking. Sometimes, literary. There is always someone to exploit us, threatening violence should we disobey. State, the “machine” included.’
V: ‘Do you feel like a sheep?’
T: ‘Of course I do, look at me! Look at my situation! If I can’t find my way out, If I can’t fight my way out, who can?!’ Tomas spoke with more and more passion, but in civilized, controlled manner.
V: ‘But there is no correlation there, you are being chased by the mobs, how does that relate to general population, to me?’
T: ‘Course it does, the state is mob as well. They walk hand in hand, it’s good for business. I got it from first hand!’
V: ‘So you would prefer anarchy?’ Violeta always spoked with professional calmness.
T: ‘Of course not.’
V: ‘Then what would you propose to do?’
T: ‘I don’t know. It can’t be outfought, it can’t be outdone, it can’t be outrun. It’s just the way it is. There is no Justice, except the one that is paid for. In blood, or money. I don’t have money.’
V: ‘So you see the state of USA as an enemy?’
T: ‘Of course not, this has nothing to do with the USA. I love USA. I always did. I dreamed about coming here to see the pinnacle of western civilization. But, I didn’t know that it was already too late. That it had been long corrupted as well.’ Violeta was about to ask question, but realized Tomas wasn’t finished yet. ‘I’m talking about the system itself, as a machine that is being adjusted to the liking of the ruling people, that slowly but surely taking away the rights of the working people. To guarantee that they are the ones to stay at the top for all I know. It used to be decent people, but now people with character are spare. How could you expect in system where 100-200-300 people hold some kind of legislative power, could be all decent people? How could you expect that now the majority of already corrupt people will not corrupt the others? When they can see only two options: join us, or be against us? They are the system, the machine! If they want you out, you’re out. Often first publicly discredited and then get rid of. Only the strongest of characters will survive such environment, but they are fighting a losing battle from the start. Still, it’s good to see some light in the darkness. Even if it’s just fable flame of candle in the vastness of space.’
V: ‘So you feel like the state is like a machine that is being controlled by wrong elements, else it would have worked.’
T: ‘Yes, exactly! Democracy is nice on paper, but we, the “aware” all know, that there is no real democracy, no real justice, no real truth. Look how many fake news and propaganda is out there! How many real criminals are laughing in the face of common folk from behind of their desk and hefty pay checks, as untouchables! Only if the public would get strongly outraged, they would supposedly step down. Only to continue in their merry lives in different equally paid function, or better occasionally. They never really stepped down, god forbid me to suggest even prison. That is unthinkable! Common folk kills one person, they go out for live or dead sentence. Those gangsters can indirectly, or directly kill millions, or just ruin millions of lives and nothing happens! Would you call this a working system? Don’t get me started on immigration, banks, money, debt, gun control, feminism and other lgbt bullshit, etc etc! Or my favourite, false flags, there is so much shit going on in the system! We must at least indicate to the people owning the “machine” (state) and the people running it, that unless we are free, the “machine” will be prevented from working at all!’
V: ‘Nice Mario Savio’s reference, even though he didn’t mean it that way. So there is nothing that the state, police, justice system does right?’
T: ‘I never said that, in fact most of the things they do, pass, or enforce, are right of course. But, if out of 1000 things, 50 are absolute evil power abuse shit, or damn right nonsensical, like taking away human rights, that is 50 times more than we as a public should tolerate from the governing people.’
V:’You mentioned gun control before, is that what you refer to as taking away rights? How come that you feel threaten by the gun at all times, and at the same time you see gun control as negative thing. Shouldn’t ban on guns be a positive legislation, mean less violence, less oppression if you will?’
T: ‘And leave the guns only in the bad guys hands?! You must be kidding. The only great thing about the US is, that your people can physically oppose its own government from slow absolute enslavement disguised as security measures! Besides, that wouldn’t even stop criminals to illegally obtain a weapon anyway. It would just mean that the law-abiding citizen had no means of self-defence outside of calling for help. Which would in many cases just kill them as well, or instead…Not even going to go there…But, because there is so many guns, and people love their guns, I don’t think that in the US there will be ever absolute ban on all firearms. Nor that the state will take away those guns. The USA will still prevail as the last candle in the darkness.’ Tomas had already felt “exposed”, unlike himself, and wanted to finish the discussion as quickly as possible.
V: ‘What about less mass shootings?’
T: ‘I don’t believe that, it had little to do with the availability of legally purchasable guns, more so with the state of mind of the person doing it. Many people committing suicide every year at exponentially increased rate. More people suffer from depression. They should look into why is that happening, the reason. So that less people would chose to take revenge on the public as a whole. Possibly because they perceived them as their direct abusers, accomplices to the system. Not, that I defend them, quite the opposite. Is there anything else you would like to ask me?’
V: ‘No, I think I know what I need to know Mr. Cudzis.’
T: ‘I told you to call me Tomas.’
V: ‘Bye Tomas, until our next meeting.’
T: ‘You will come again?’
V: ‘Perhaps, why, you don’t want me to?’
T: ‘No reason. Goodbye, take care.’ He just felt cheated, into opening up, that he had no intentions to. At the same time, it was kind of calming, but he wouldn’t admit it. ‘Psychology and “all that” is for weak minded, and he is no pussy!’ But, intellectually, he found it stimulating.
V: ‘Take care Tomas, it was very…enlightening. I mean it.’
Violeta had put on her formal suit back on (she took it off before, to be more comfortable), and with elegancy of a posh woman she left. ‘She was hot! But, she was also a bitch at heart! I can’t explain, she was polite and all, but her body langue, accent and bluntness. She was acting like she is high-maintenance! She probably was! ‘Tomas told me. ‘There is no point to even try, with such girls, you can’t win! In the end, you will be the loser. And the end, I can guarantee!’ He laughed. But he wasn’t sure what she meant by ‘I know what I need to know’. Was that a good thing or bad? He never spoked about those things to anyone before. Because there wasn’t too much people in his life in the first place. Second, he didn’t want to be perceived as a “whacko”, a conspiracy theorist with foil hat on. That was a common reaction of the “sheep” as he learned. ‘Facts don’t matter, you don’t tell sheep that it is just a sheep. Nobody likes to admit that he could be the fooled dummy. That he is not smart enough to see the deceptions, the manipulations and eventually being lead to the “slaughter house”. They will make fun of you, you are the looney that believes every witch hunter out there, you probably believe in flat earth too, and all that stuff! ‘God I’m fucked, should have kept quiet as always.’
Thank you for reading! Please post feedback as this will help me to improve my books. I’m trying to make “worthy” tribute to Linkin Park songs. Please keep in mind, that I had to make up sensible story out of the lyrics of their songs, and order it in one smooth logical story-line for the reader to follow. So please keep any political, racial etc. views out of it. It’s fiction, based on songs lyrics. I’m interested in the quality of the content of individual sections dedicated to the song only! That means the accuracy of the text and lyrics of the song (does it look like the song is a soundtrack to the text) and the attractiveness of the text itself (was it enjoyable,captivate to read?). Please find time to post feedback at least if you did enjoy it, else I would just assume it’s not good. Still, it won’t help me to fix what’s wrong. To any contributors, thank you very much!