Chester July 20th 2017


How’s everyone feeling right now? I’m still torn over his death!! It’s so hard to fathom him dead. So dealing with it is a kick in the ass. I cry day and night. If not through my eyes I cry inside.


If you want to add something, feel free to do it.


I’m still a mess. It’s so surreal that he’s gone. I switch between crying and just feeling numb and a lot of old bad habits have come back. Some days are better than others; some I manage to only cry once or twice and others I cry so much I run out of tears. I’ve lost one of only my two healthy coping mechanisms and if it weren’t for my cat, who’s my other healthy coping mechanism, I probably would have followed Chester’s path within a few days. Even with my cat I’m barely holding on.


It’s an up and down. It is as if a family member had died…


I’m still torn over his death as well. Every night I cry in my sleep because this is a loss that I don’t think I will ever recover from. I thought this was just gonna be a fake news story, and that he was okay, and at least in the hospital getting treatment so he could get better, and would still be touring and etc., cause I loved him from day one. I miss his voice, I miss his warmth and smile, and his sense of humor. Sorry if I sound like a broken record, but when it comes to music stars that mean alot to us all, it’s hard.


Hey, are you doing alright?


Meh, I’m doing the best I can. My college classes start tomorrow so I’m trying to distract myself with getting ready for them, but it’s still hard. I’m still randomly breaking down in tears, but I haven’t self harmed in a couple days. And I’m a little worried about class tomorrow because my professor is a big music fan and I’m hoping he doesn’t bring up Chester because I’ll likely end up crying in class.


That’s understandable. I felt like I lost a piece of myself that day.7/20/17 was like reliving 9/11/01 two worst days just as devastating. No matter what happens, I just can’t stop missing him.


Good job on not harming yourself! Keep that up, maybe?

I know it’s cliche but have you thought about talking to someone in real life? A therapist or even just a counselor? I bet your school has a counseling center. You should totally go check them out. They are there to help and not judge…and trust me, it CAN help.

I guess we can’t private message people anymore in LPU…? I would message you, if I could…


I wish that was possible too. You know private messaging and all that.


I actually do have a therapist I see and while she’s pretty sympathetic about Chester’s death I also have a genetic condition that causes severe chronic pain which she seems to think I should mostly just suck up and deal with. My depression is also very treatment resistant. I was taking medicine which I could tell was slowly losing its effectiveness so my doctor added another which seemed to help until Chester died. Now I might as well be taking nothing because it’s not working anymore. I hoping my new therapist will be more helpful as my current one is retiring. I just don’t want to end up in a psych ward which thinking of horrifies me. I don’t want to be in a partial hospitalisation programme either as I don’t have time for it with school. I was in one when I was younger and it wasn’t bad, but the adult programme near me is at a hospital that has been reprimanded for things like mistreatment of patients and was even forced to close one of it’s locations for violations. This is also the psych ward I’d likely end up in if I was forced to go so you can understand my reservations.