Dealing with this loss for anyone who is willing to listen :(


#1

Shocked, hurt, sick, and all bad words you can describe just doesn’t even amount to how I feel right now. I know this death will haunt me the rest of my life, and I know it sounds strange to be this heartbroken over a celebrity, but I am. Linkin Park has been my favorite band since their first EP. They have literally been a part of my life for almost 20 years. There were times that I was extremely low in life. I was bullied heavily in high school, suffered from mental issues (things I don’t talk about and would prefer not to publicly display). I lost my mom to advanced stage iv breast cancer when I was 22 and lost my brother to suicide at 26 right before my 27th birthday. I suffered from sexual and physical abuse and was in toxic relationships. There were days I just did not want to be here anymore and on those days I listened to Crawling and screamed at the top of my lungs in my room. All my usernames growing up were linkinparkgirl9 and had some form of LP in them. I saw them every year they came to Illinois. Got VIP passes to see them. Was in the LPUnderground for a good portion of my life and I met them 4 times. In high school, I wrote a 15 page report detailing their life. I felt like they were the only ones who understood my feelings. I felt it in their songs. They changed my life, and honestly I do believe they are the reason I am still alive. They helped me when no one else could. This makes me want to be an advocate of suicide even more then I already have been trying to be after my brothers death and my own attempts. We don’t talk about mental illness. We don’t understand that its a problem. We wrongfully judge people who commit suicide and some people are ashamed by it. There are so many people struggling in silence. I did and thankfully I able able to get through some of that pain because of them. To hear an idol of mine took his life is beyond description. To know that he felt such pain causes be indescribable pain. I am truly at a loss and am shocked that I am taking this like my own family member died, but I am. I love you always Linkin Park. I will never stop supporting and loving this band. I will continue to listen proud that I was one of their first fans. RIP Chester Bennington, gone way too soon.
I made a longer blog if anyone wants to see. I just need to share with someone, anyone, and I feel this community and family are the only people who understand this pain.


#2

I am at a loss as well. LP has gotten me through some pretty rough times in life. They always seemed, no matter what the time, to convey the way I was feeling in their music. I am devastated. I can not hardly process this.My thoughts are with his friends, family, and fans. This is a constant reminder that people can be hurting and never outwardly show it. I think his music conveyed some of that pain and I was hoping that it was a healing outlet for him - it clearly was not. I am so sorry Chester. I, like you, will ALWAYS continue listening to and supporting the band - in whatever form they continue. If you need an ear, I will be here. Peace be with you.


#3

We all are feeling the pain. Many of us have similar stories. I personally have always turned to their music in all the dark times. I suffer from Ptsd, bipolar type 2 amongst others. I’m still in denial myself. I will never forget when I heard the news. I prayed it was fake. I’ve found that the One More Light album is really helping me right now. And reading the forums. You are not alone. We are here to listen andhelp :heart:


#4

To be completely honest I haven’t been doing too well lately and hearing the news has only made shit so much worse. I have no way to get help for my depression since every time I’ve been on antidepressants it’s ended with me trying to take my life. I’m at a loss for what to do. I can’t think, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I had been listening to them every single day. They were my workout playlist at the gym and the mix CD in my car. I would wake up in the morning and watch one of their concerts that had been recorded and put on Youtube or a few of my favorite songs they performed live because it gave me the strength to fight another day and now I’m at a loss for what to do. I live with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, but I don’t think I’ve ever been so tempted and I don’t know how to fix it.


#5

Please stay with us. There’s no need for One More Light to go out. I’ve found I can’t form words to call the crisis line but I have been able to text. 741741 is the text crisis line. Please dont be alarmed or afraid to use it. && please remember we are all here for you. We all understand the pain and sense of loss :heart: please hold on


#6

I talked to a lovely woman named Mary at the crisis line for over an hour this morning. It didn’t help. But then I’m used to feeling like I’m beyond being able to be helped. I think a doctor appointment might be necessary for this. Who knows, maybe giving antidepressants another shot will work this time.


#7

No shame in meds! They’re like glasses for your brain. I was first put on meds at 18, they did nothing for me. I went back on meds at 24 and it’s the greatest thing I’ve done. I’m still adjusting to different levels and meds but I can feel a great difference. Between my psych and therapist everyday gets a little easier. There is no shame in getting help❤


#8

You’re a lovely person to talk to <3 Just wanted you to know that :slight_smile:


#9

As are you❤ Thank you


#10

I just want you ladies to know you are stronger and braver than most. This is an incredibly difficult time for the Linkin Park community and I want you to know you are never alone. If you just need to vent, my inbox is always open. I will be here to just listen. Sometimes just writing out how you feel and having someone be of support can help at that moment. It may not be a long term fix, but I just want you to know I am here and I care. Akayes, you have every right to feel the way that you do, but I do hope you seek help. There is no shame in it. You are a beautiful person <3


#11

Great post, if I could feel anything right now I’d probably cry.


#12

There’s a lot of love in this place here :smirk:
it’s perfect, it’s what everyone needs to heal and seeing people reach out to one another like this is what it’s about
Thank you for sharing where you’re at and for extending a hand out to one another
We’re all here to listen too
Be strong and don’t look down, look to your peers and we’ll be alright


#13

All I’ve been doing is crying these past three days I listen to them and it makes it worse I just wish he was back with us. Just please come back to us I feel like a part of me has died and I can’t get it back. I wish someone was with him it may or may not have prevented it but at least it would’ve postponed it or he might not have done it all together. He’s saved my life in more ways than one . I just wish someone or he could have saved his .:sob: Do you hear us crying?


#14

He’s up there watching every single soldier
Be sure of that…


#15

I’m just so heartbroken :broken_heart: I don’t want to believe it. It hurts too much.


#16

I’m so lost these days. But among all of the questions I ask one most of all – why was he alone this day when it was the birthday of Chris :sob:


#17

@linkinparkgirl9e
Thank you. Well written. Well stated. Well thought out. LPU is strong due to people like you.
I was out of the country when I received the news. Sitting alone in a strange place listening to Chester sing “You’re Not Alone” was haunting. As a community, we won’t forget… ever.


#18

My heart is broken just as yours. But I don’t know who to talk to about it. I know my friends would not understand it, though they listen, but it’s not enough right now.

First when I heard about LP it was on TV, I just saw Crawling. I was 10 back then. I found it so wild and different, it has nothing to do with dance and happiness, it was totally new for me, for a 10 years old kid, who didn’t know shit about this world. I can’t say I liked it. But every time it was on TV, I watched the video. When In The End came out I fell in love with it. That was my favourite song though I didn’t know who LP was and what was the song about.
Then Reanimation came and the video Pts.OF.Athrty with it and I knew I want this! This is what I want. So I went to my older cousins and demanded the songs. And lucky me they were listening to HT already, so there was nothing between me and my tape record. From that day I was LP fan, I wanted to know everything about them. So I grew up with their music, helped me through my teen ages.

Then my dream came true this summer and they had a concert in my country for the first time, I was so happy. I told myself no matter how much it costs and how much money I don’t have, I’ll go. And I was there and felt so epic and they were amazing.

When I saw that one of my friend posted that bad news about Chester I instantly wanted to comment ‘It’s a fucking lie, how dare you share this’, but then tears roll down my face, many of my friends pm-ed me whether is it true? I just couldn’t reply it. I didn’t want to believe it, and I still can’t.

I never could imagine that I can cry for somebody I never know. Okay, that’s not true. I knew him, we all knew him…
And it crossed my mind, if I am this fckin sick and sad, how his family and the guys feel? I am so sorry for them. I send my love and hope they can get through this.

I am a person who locks in in these times and try to recover all alone, but I see your stories and comments and so on and I told myself I’ll give it a try.
Tomorrow I have to go among people who know nothing about me and I fear the sadness will crush down on me.

This world feels so empty without him. I hope he is free from all the pain he had to bear. I never forget that smile you shined upon us on that concert.

I wanna thank you that I could read your stories, not only here, but on Twitter and Facebook. I really thankful for this community. Sending my love to you all, as well.


#19

@adriieenn
I feel you, I’m just the same. But I keep telling myself that we have to be strong, just as he was all this time, for us. Telling the whole world about his story had to be harder than this.


#20

I am hurt, devastated, sad, all the words that can’t begin to describe how I feel after this loss. It’s been 3 days since news broke. Even dealing with my own personal demons, Hearing of other people’s death (whether it be from suicide, cancer, gunshot wounds etc or you’re just a stranger or celebrity or anyone in the music industry) It makes me reflect back to when my mom died on my bday to cancer, my brother & stebrother dying from car accidents & one of my closest friends to suicide. I was (still am) scared if one day that could be me, my son or any more of my family & friends. You’re not alone in this world, we need LOVE to overpower HATE & FEAR, but sadly, we’re seeing more & more hate everyday, it’s like it’ll never go away.

I often tell my self this, “How can you scream so loud for help, but there is no one there or around to help you?” Here are 2 poems that (I hope that will make you feel alittle better. if that’s okay)

POEM #1
"Time…
Forever following you
Eternally leading you
Always with you
Never needing you
Pushing
Pulling
Eventually bleeding you
Time…"

POEM #2
Evil shades omnipresent.
Demons within everyone.
Making it excruciating to trust.
Giving trust feels like readily agreeing to be buried alive.
It feels like trailing a noise behind you.
Leaves a insistent fear that out of nowhere your throat is going to be slashed.
I’m constantly trying to pick apart the truth from possible lies.
Exhausting.
Twisting and turning roads leading to more twists and turns.
Transforming my thoughts to jaded splitters.
Within the chaos I attempt desperately to tell one end from the other.
Try mightily to connect everything inside.
It’s an unending walking nightmare.
It’s a web of razor blades I can’t escape.
A spider creeps closer.
Its going to devour my soul.
Please let it be quick I plead.
Wrapped tightly inside this razor sharp web.
Suffocating.
Bleeding out.
All I want is to be free of this torment but met with only resistance.
Please I pray to a god, I’m unsure I should trust, send help.
I can’t do this alone.
Unfortunately my hamartia is I struggle to let anyone in.
I fight like it killing me, but constantly slamming doors in friendly faces.
Letting people in feels like a death sentence.
Like they have a loaded gun to me head.
It’s irrational.
It’s survival.
I need my walls.
I need my secrets even though I’m painfully aware the cost is too much.
I need my mask burned onto my face.
Help me…