For the people who don’t know how to deal with this


#1

I don’t know how to deal with this either. I’ve seen a wide range of people trying to cope with this. Some through telling the good stories and listening to and appreciating the music. Then there are some who are completely devastated. I am one of those people. And I don’t know how to cope so I’m writing this in the hopes that maybe if I get my story out there with people who might understand, other people can join as well and we can try to process this together.

In 25 years on this planet I’ve endured more pain and trauma than any human being should in 10 lifetimes. I’ll spare you all most of the details, but the worst of it happened January 2013 when I was almost killed and it broke me. I had been assaulted before and already had PTSD, but this was the last straw. I broke. My mind broke. I became severely agoraphobic to the point where I couldn’t even walk out to the mailbox to get the mail. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through.

I’ll admit I had a falling out with Linkin Park. They were a staple in my life as a teenager. My brother introduced me to them when I was still a kid, at maybe 10 or 11 years old. I fell in love with Minutes to Midnight and listened to their music and Paramore’s religiously through middle and high school. They helped get me through years of self-harm, antidepressant side effects, and suicide attempts. But after the first assault when I was 18 I couldn’t bring myself to listen to anything even almost “heavy” sounding because that’s what was playing while it happened. I had completely missed LT and THP and didn’t listen to them until the beginning of this year. I’ve been doing better. Every day is still a battle. I haven’t been able to be around large crowds or people I don’t know or go a lot of places still but I’ve been fighting harder than I’ve ever fought.

When I saw LP had a new album coming out this year it drew me back in. I had gotten back into listening to old favorites like Bleed it Out and The Messenger but I actually committed to it. I bought all of their albums and I sat down and listened and it felt like being greeted by an old friend. I was hooked. I got to Living Things and my heart swooned over how incredible it is and I kicked myself that I had gone 5 years without it in my life. And then I saw they were going on tour and I made myself a promise.

For four and a half years I’ve lived without dreams or anything to look forward to. They all seemed impossible to me and that’s why these years have been the hardest in my life. Before, despite all the shit I had gone through, there was still hope. There was still a chance to experience those little moments of pure bliss. Like standing on top of a volcano watching the sunrise or being in the front of the pit at a concert and having the guitarist point to me and toss me a guitar pick in the middle of the set. They are the beacons of light that shine so brightly it makes you unable to even fathom what darkness is. When I broke, when I had been unable to leave my house for 2 years, I lost all hope of ever experiencing that again. I gave up on having dreams until a few months ago.

I became obsessed with LP. I joined LPU, I binge watched LPTV and basically any concert that had been professionally recorded. Their music brought me a happiness I hadn’t felt in years. I watched interviews and fell in love with each of the guys individually. I saw the people in the band for the first time instead of just the band. I saw how kind and generous and compassionate they all are. And I made it my dream to meet them and thank them for how much they’ve impacted my life. I made it a goal to be able to go to their concert when they came to my state. That day I went and I got a gym membership and started eating healthy so I could be in good physical shape to go to the concert in hopes that my mental state would follow. I was so excited to have something to focus on and look forward to in the future again. It lit a fire in me that I thought had burned out ages ago.

It wasn’t all just sunshine and rainbows after that though. My mental health took a turn for the worse. I had dealt with dissociation in small bits before, but I ended up going through it for six weeks. I felt nothing at all. No emotions. It wasn’t until I was watching a LP concert from this current tour when Chester went down in the crowd and sang One More Light and Crawling that I finally broke down. I bawled for hours, overwhelmed by a flood of emotions I hadn’t been able to feel. I connected with it to the very core of my being.

Over the years there have been so many moments where I’d listen to a Linkin Park song and feel like there was finally someone who understood the pain I had gone through. Chester held my hand and guided me through the darkness I thought would never end. He stayed up with me on the nights when I didn’t think I would make it to morning. He was there for me when no one else was and always knew just what to say to keep me fighting. He was the best friend I had never met and I will always regret not being able to thank him and tell him how much he means to me.

So now I’m sitting here, emotionally drained and physically exhausted, writing this because I don’t know where to turn. My brain doesn’t know what else to do except cry because the pain in my chest will not subside. If his loss has this big of an impact on me, I can’t even imagine what the rest of the guys and his family and friends are going through. My heart breaks for all of them. He was one of a kind and I miss him more than even I can comprehend. This hole in my heart feels like it will never be filled. Where do you turn when the music that helped get you through is now what brings you the most pain?

If you’re still reading, thank you for listening. If you have a story you need to get off your chest, please let it out here. If you have advice on how to stop feeling like you’re going to crumble in a million pieces at any second, please let me know because I don’t know how to function with this much pain. I feel like I’ve lost a best friend and a dream all at once.

If anyone needs me, I’ll do my best to help. We can get through this together.


#2

I thought that I had been affected bad by my childhood until I read about yours. I’m so sorry for you man. Linkin park and especially Chester was by my side when none else was. Fortunately, myself and my parents are all right now, shocked over Chester. I send all my love to you!

RIP CHESTER BENNINGTON, THE VOICE THAT WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!


#3

Thank you for sharing your story. :heart:️ My bonds formed with LP when my anxiety and depression were what consumed my life. No one, not even me, realized the extent of how low I felt. I masked it so incredibly well to everyone around me. I thought it was just life, that I was doomed to be that way forever. I had suffered panic attacks as early as 2nd grade. Chester’s voice always sang the words I needed. I didn’t know I needed those words but when they came out I understood his feelings behind the lyrics. Sadness, anger, pain, anxiety, depression, hope. I could vocalize what I felt through lyrics.

I sought help after college. It was LIFE CHANGING. I learned to be the me buried underneath all that anxiety and depression. I was able to say my brain is sick and this is why I feel this way, but I’m going to keep going. I was able to talk to people both young and old about my experience with therapy and trying to erase the stigma of mental illness for just a moment at least.

Chester and LP have saved so many lives. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never even been within a 50 miles radius of them, we love LP and we are so incredibly thankful for Chester for impacting our lives. We all have different stories, different battles, different lives, but we are all connected through these stories and our love for Chester and LP. Don’t ever hesitate to reach out if you need someone to talk to. :heart:


#4

All I can say is You Are Not Alone, We Are Not Alone, Depression and Mental illness is no joke and our mental health is just as important if not more important than our physical health. Linkin Park played a huge role into my choice in becoming a social worker and dedicating myself to helping others. I was lucky enough to see Linkin park live for theor A Thousand Suns Tour during a time when I was going through some hardcore stuff. And it was one of the things that kept me going, and ironically, I almost didnt attend because of my depression. I was a part of the LPU back then and I chose not to apply for a fan meet and greet cus I felt just seeing the show was enough, I was supposed to see them play at Citifield in a week with Blink 182, This time I applied for a meet and greet, because I wanted to thank them, to thabk Chester, to thank Mike, to thank the whole band, for thier music, for telling their stories, for connecting with those in need, and for making us feel as though we are not alone. I dont know if the show next week will be cancelled or if just Linkin Park wont play and the show turns into a tribute, but regardless I am devastated by this, to the poimt of shivers going through my whole body and as a soxial worker who also suffers from depression, I cried, I’m crying as I write this, but also I know its ok to have emotions and Linkin Park’s music was one of the first things to show me that. As a male, we are sometimes taught to hold our emotions in, but I have learned its better to let them out, share our story, cry, be there for others, and be there for yourself, because your mental health is so important.


#5

I saved someone from depression in Year 10 during the second year of my GCSE’S. He was close on the battle between life and death. How did he thank me? By betraying me and now we don’t speak.


#6

I had my first full-blown panic attack in over a year yesterday when I saw the news until Mike confirmed it. I’ve had small anxiety attacks but it’s been over a year since I fell that hard that fast and it terrified me. My brain was just so overwhelmed it panicked, then I saw Mike’s tweet and collapsed. I was with my parents at the time and I think I scared the hell out of my mom.

I keep having to just stop and turn everything off because crying so much has caused a migraine like none I’ve ever experienced but then I’ll see something or remember a song lyric or see what other people are writing and it’s instant sobbing. Like I remembered they just did a Carpool Karaoke and how stoked I was because I’ve wanted to see that practically from the beginning of CK and now even thinking about it feels like a knife in my heart. It keeps coming in waves and it fucking sucks. Also, fuck anyone who says men don’t/shouldn’t cry. We’re all human. We all have emotions and it’s toxic to keep them bottled up.


#7

that was such a touching story, I’m glad you shared it with us. what I’ve learned along the way is that talking helps. just speaking things aloud, talking to another human being what you’ve been through, what you feel, what goes inside your head… it helps.

my experiences are cotton candy compared to yours or many others, but Chester & Linkin Park has helped me through so much too. when I didn’t have no one else, I always had Chester and the music.
I was bullied at school and I used to listen to Numb. and when I was beaten repeatedly by my boyfriend, I used to listen to Crawling. when I finally had the courage to leave the said boyfriend, I used to listen to No More Sorrow & In Pieces.
they just always had the right songs for your current mood and/or situation, and watching lptv made me feel like I’m one of them. and they always managed to make me smile with their goofiness, especially Chester :’)

I do not have very good advice how to cope with this all and how to continue from here, all I can say is take it one day at a time. none of us is ever going to forget Chester, we’ll learn to cherish the memories and we’ll listen to his angelic voice and we can be happy, that finally he is truly happy too. finally he’s free from his demons and he can rest.

he’s given us more than I’m able to express in words, he’s given us hope & love, he’s been the guiding hand when we’ve had no one else. like you so well wrote “Chester held my hand and guided me through the darkness I thought would never end.” that’s exactly what Chester was, and that’s what I’m forever grateful for him <3


#8

My heart is hurting right now. I lost my aunt to stage 4 ovarian cancer back in May of 2012 and Living Things came out that year. When I tell you that l tried to mentally prepare for her death and when it happened, nothing prepares your for that. The pain and hurt and depression that followed was something I did not anticipate. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. I lost so much weight that I went from 135lbs to 119lbs in a month.

What helped me was Living Things and LPs music. I then went to Mohegan Sun to see them and when Lost in The echo played, I went crazy. Its one of my favorites off of LT. Then they played In My Remains played. And all that pain was gone, just for that one day.

I said and strongly believe music can heal a broken heart. But when that voice is gone what is left? A void, an emptiness that cannot be filled. I am here listening to Roads Untraveled and Chesters part just came up and my eyes welled up with tears.

It has a different meaning to me now
Weep not for roads untraveled
Weep not for sights unseen
May your love never end
And if you need a friend
There’s a seat here alongside me

Chester you will be missed dearly :broken_heart:


#9

All of Linkin Park’s songs will have different meanings now. I feel sorry for you as well


#10

If there’s one thing that suffering has taught me, it’s that we all have a worst day of our lives. We all have that times that hurt us beyond what we can handle and we fight through them anyways. Pain is relative to what we’ve experienced and it’s not up to me to judge whose is worse. It’s up to me to try to make them not feel it anymore. That’s been my mission in life for a long time and I feel like Chester was the personification of that way of thinking. He hurt so he tried to take other peoples pain away. I just wish we could have taken his.


#11

I was not able to come on here because it crashed when the breaking news came on I was so upset that I cried all morning, afternoon and night I was completely mess up but I am still messed up. I loved the band and I loved Chester so much, the way he screams, sing, laughs and how he have fun and be playful with others in a good way. I feel sorry for the band ( Mike, Dave, Joe, and Rob), His family, friends, and fans. He will be missed and will be loved by us.

The way I felt it was like the world stopped and shattered in so many pieces. I was in the kitchen cooking food, also listening to their music (carousel, AndOne, Part of me, etc) having fun as always. And I was like “I can’t wait to go to their concert next week jumping with the crowd and listen to him singing and rock out and on”. So I finish cooking and I sat down and was watching a video (music) by Katy Perry in the kitchen with my Bros and sisters but they were doing their own thing and stuff but then my sis was on her phone and she said a member from Linkin Park died I was like “your kidding me right now your just saying that to mess with me or to playing around with me” but she was like she is not kidding a member did die" and I said " who did" she said it was Chester I looked at her and walked out the kitchen so fast that I ran to my brothers room and started to cry in despair and sorrow like I did not know what to do anymore it was like my life just went out of my body I cried so hard and never stopped so right now my eyes are very sore and I can’t stop thinking about it. When I listen to his music I want to cry and stuff because he will not be there anymore. Now I feel that me listening to their music was meaning less and they inspired me in so many ways but now that is taken away from me it literally pushing me way right now and I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I just stopped listening to their music but I really don’t think so. But in till I feel better but right now I not but I will I pray to God that will feel better though. I am broken from the inside and out but I know I will feel better.


#12

LP made me believe I was not wrong, that fighting for myself and to accept who I am was the right thing to do. From the moment I discovered them and their music, I understood that I was not alone. I’ve always said that I really never cared if I like their new album less then the previous ones, because my love for them goes far beyond this. Every song, every lyric made me think as they wrote it just for me. In the past, they literally saved my life.
How can I deal with all of this and the thought that one of the men who made me who I am today is no longer with us because he was suffering too much to keep living?
And if I am suffering this much, I can’t even imagine what Mike, Brad, Joe, Phoenix, Rob, Talinda and the kids are going through. I send all my love to you guys, you are not alone, we are not alone.
I love you Chester, thank you for everything.


#13

You gave me the words to describe everything I feel with this great loss, I’m sure there are many people feeling the same as us. The only thing I can tell you is that I was as bad as you, and Chester was there for me too, but this could be overcome, everything comes from the mind, which is the hardest to control, to want is to be able. Try to enjoy the simple, I know it’s hard to get it, try to do what you should do daily, try to walk and then run … Thanks for your words, I got to the bottom of my heart


#14

Honestly I still don’t know how to process this. I’ve been listening to LP all night yesterday and I just can’t seem to stop crying whenever I think about how Chester is really gone.

I’ve been a huge fan since 2000 when hybrid theory came out. Their music just had some magical power over me. Everytime I was upset or mad, I’d listen to their music. What made me love Linkin park more was after I read about their life stories. I love how each and one of them were talented in their own ways. Chester’s story touched me the most and the way he overcame things motivated me to push myself forward. His voice is captivating and there’s no one else to replace him in this band.

My heart really really hurts. Knowing I will never see them live again. Knowing Chester won’t be creating new music again. Linkin park will never be the same. I hope they won’t disband cuz I think the rest of the guys make great music together. This really sucks. It hurts even more knowing I was suppose to see them again in August!! It feels like someone just took away my one purpose in life. They’ve been a huge part of my life for the past 17 years. I own every album and I had their posters up on my wall. Their t shirts are my pj. I had their calendars too. I know to many people, it seems crazy that I’m this upset over a singer who I don’t even know personally. But I know there are lots of people here in this forum who grew up loving LP the way I do.

Can someone please tell me this was all just a joke and Chester is happy and goofy again as he prepares for the upcoming tours? I’m too heartbroken at this moment to even think about anything else.


#15

I am a 27 years old guy from Costa Rica… hope this message don’t make you feel boring but I really need to share it…

I started listening the LP music since they started, I was about 10 year old. At the begging of course it was just ruck music because I didn’t even understand English. But then when I was a teenager, my parents get divorced and felt like my life was shit. I get interested in learn English so I started hearing the LP music and… man I felt like I was found the perfect music for what I felt in that moment.

The next years were too hard I was very depressed but that music always helped me to keep going and going, and every time they released a new song or album I cannot even explain the happiness I felt.

Too hard and difficult things happens in my life in the next years, but their music was always there telling me one way or another that I had to keep going no matter what, and I always had the huge dream of going a concert, I get my first job when I was 19 and the first thing I wanted to do was do whatever you want to go to a concert, but they never come to Costa Rica and have never been a rich guy and also my salary sucks that time.

That was about 8 year ago, I worked so hard during those days, and finally and found a great job, started earning much money, finally could get my passport and visa to go to US, when they announced the North America tour for one more light I was really happy because finally I had the money to go.

I bought the ticket the first day with the verify fan code so I could bought too early, man I almost cry when I saw I had the ticket and the flight ticket to the concert.

But then. Excactly 3 months before make one of my biggest dreams come true… Chester died😭… and I don’t even know how to deal with this… what now? Why I feel like that?

I just wanted to share my history with you guys… this has been much harder than I ever thought.


#16

My brain has started blocking things out so I can stop crying for little bits at a time but there’s always something, some thought, that pushes me back to it. I’ll never see Chester perform. I’ll never get the opportunity to talk to him. I may never even get the opportunity to see Linkin Park live ever depending on if they decide to hang it up for good or not. August 7th was going to be my first show after being a fan for well over a decade. I was too young when I first fell in love with them, my parents didn’t approve of the band so I couldn’t go before I was 18 and then shit happened after to make it where I couldn’t go. My brother went to see them and he said it was one of the best concerts he’s ever been to.

I can’t stop thinking about the fact that every song he’ll ever sing has been sung. I can’t get over the fact that he will never create more music. That he’s just done. That he’s just gone in an instant. He’s such a huge part of my life. I literally listened only to Linkin Park when I work out every day. I have a mix cd that I burned with my favorite songs in my car because it’s the only thing that keeps me from having panic attacks when I drive. They have been a part of my every day life for months now on top of saving my life when I was younger. I don’t know how to accept that they’re just gone and I know I sound repetitive and I repeat the same things over and over but I honestly can’t figure out a way to process this information. The things that brought me the most happiness when I woke up yesterday now cause me the most pain.


#17

It’s not boring, thank you for sharing :heart: I made this post hoping that people would share their stories with me so I’m not the only one. We’re here for you. I don’t have any answers, but I share your pain. It’s not fair and it’s not ok and I don’t know if it ever will be.


#18

I’ve been listening to their song at the gym as well. I got a playlist of just their songs when I’m at the gym. It’s gonna be devasting if linkin park decides to quit. I can’t imagine what they are going through. Hopefully they will one day decide to perform together again. I know how much linkin park meant for Chester so hopefully the rest of the guys will carry on. I can’t stop my tears everytime I sing their song or see how happy he looked in photos. I really feel like I lost a piece of my heart and I got nothing to look forward to.


#19

I am at a loss as well. I appreciate you sharing your story. Although I have not experienced the deep trauma you have, LP has gotten me through some pretty rough times in life. I am devastated. I can not hardly process this.My thoughts are with his friends, family, and fans. This is a constant reminder that people can be hurting and never outwardly show it. I think his music conveyed some of that pain and I was hoping that it was a healing outlet for him - it clearly was not. If you need an ear, I will be here. Peace be with you.


#20

I’m just sitting here reading your stories and crying, I love each and every one of you and sharing this pain together feels like a lifebelt.
I feel like we should try to make something good out of this all, like making a fundraising for helping depressed people or something like that. Maybe we could turn all this sadness, pain and hurt to something positive. Use it as energy and make it a healing process. Chester would love that anyway :sob::sparkling_heart: