I have been a fan of Linkin Park since 2001. I was abused most of my life in anyway you can possibly think of by people who were supposed to be my family or partner. I got into a cycle of abuse I couldn't fight my way out of. Hell, I didn't even know at first that what was happening to me was wrong as it started very young, like 3. Long story short, because I don't really want to put my life story up here or do a "woe is me" post :cry:, I got myself in an abusive relationship at a very young age, yes I was 18, but mentally I was like a little girl due to all the abuse I had to endure as a child. I was ignorant enough to let a church convince me I should marry a man I only have known for nine months and that was six years older than I was. Another thing that was wrong about this relationship was that he scared me into being with him. I felt intimidated of what he would do if I didn't go out with him. I know I should have told someone. I was scared, what can I say? Anyways, he controlled me to the point he wouldn't allow me to listen to the music I liked because he didn't like it, which was heavy metal and alternative. So, I stayed pretty darn ignorant about more than just music.
One day his controlling ways slapped him in the face. We were in the car listening to the radio, a mixed station, when, “In the End” was playing. When I heard Chester’s voice I felt an immediate change inside of me and the more I listened to it the louder it got. It was very invigorating. Then I starting listening to the words, hello wake up call. Here is the crappy part. At the time I lived in Stearns, Kentucky where they had really bad DJ’s, they never ever said who did the song or even the title of the song. It rarely came on and I would never catch who it was that did that song. Nobody I hung out with at the time knew and I didn’t know about Google, this was in 2001. As I said he kept me ignorant.
Well, we moved to New York in 2004, where I winded up getting a job away from him, yes he allowed me to work, but he controlled my money. By that time I wasn’t so ignorant. I went to the library and discovered YouTube. I use to play Yu-gi-oh, so I thought it would be fun to search for music videos with Yu-gi-oh, where I discovered “Papercut.” That song would get in my head at least once a day. So, I asked around work who did the song, I had to sing some of the lyrics because I didn’t know the title again, no they didn’t put it on the video. The guy I talked to knew who I was talking about. Not only did he tell me the band’s name was Linkin Park and the songs titles, but the album’s name. Come payday I bought Hybrid Theory. Victory!!! Yes, I stuck up for myself. I also found a heavy metal station and listened to it with a pair of headphones. I changed so much that my ex even commented on it. He was like, “You are acting like the old you.” I was like, “Damn straight, that is who I need to listen to right now.” It had to be said, the man caused me to lose a baby around the time I first heard “In the End.” He pushed me in the sharp corner of the counter. Now, you gotta picture this he was 6’4 and weighed a good 300 pounds and I was like 5’2 and barely over 100 soak and wet. The force was hard and it hurt. He left me crying on the floor, while he went grocery shopping. I did leave, but I didn’t have anywhere to go, so I came back.
As time went on I heard the song “Numb.” It expressed exactly how I felt at that time. It explained my ex right to the tee, so I learned the lyrics and sang to him the song the next time I heard it on the radio and gave him three chances to straighten up or I will leave. The problem was I didn’t believe in divorce, until just at the blue I asked myself why not? He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t believe I would leave him.
One day I came home from work, I worked overnights for a paper, and we started arguing and he yelled at me, “Do you want a divorce!” I was like"Yessssss!" He took off, so I put the headphones on, the song that was playing was “Runaway” When the part came on “You gotta runaway, never say good-bye,” I heard a voice inside me saying, “Run.” So, I did. For good this time.
Fast Forward. I went out with the guy who told me about Linkin Park. Bad idea on my part. He was another abusive jerk. I fell ignorant to it again. Later, I found out his type was called a Narcissist, which is the worse type of person I could make my partner, because I am a highly sensitive person, very emotional, an empath (if you want to call it that). He gave me space, yes. Too much space. He was never their for me physically, mentally, emotionally. When he was it was like he wasn’t, yet he wouldn’t leave me alone and I was ignorant enough to stay with him. The good news is he owned the “Live in Texas” DVD. I started watching it on nights he would take off, which was almost every night. At least I got to see the band who was slowly changing my life. I started getting very bad flashbacks of my past. I slipped into a deep depression. I wanted out, but I was scared to leave. In 2007 he threw me on the bed when I was seven months pregnant. He grabbed me so hard he left bruises on me. The cops got called because I screamed. I should have told them the truth, but I didn’t. I was yet again sticking up for a jerk.
One night I was watching the DVD and “A Place for my Head,” came on. Here comes the tears. I cried like a baby . It was at that moment I realized that I was in yet another abusive relationship and this time it was worse than the first one. I got really depressed, I use to lock myself in the bathroom, collapse on the floor, and cry to the point of hyperventilation, and than came the rage. I got really angry. At that time I really liked “One Step Closer,” so I would rage out to it and even scream with it. It helped a ton. I saw doctors and was on medication, but it didn’t help. In fact it made me suicidal. I didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I had no support. No family around and all the friends I had were his friends who didn’t even know what was happening. I felt so alone.
One day I was listening to the radio when “Somewhere I Belong,” came on. I heard this song several times before, but this particular time the lyrics hit me like a ton of bricks. I noticed I didn’t know who I was. I always lived by what others wanted me to be instead of listening to myself. It put me on a path of self-discovery. Which changed my life forever. Eventually, I developed the nerve to leave him to come back to Florida, I was raised here, and hooked up with my Jr. High School sweetheart, who introduced me to heavy metal to begin with. I listened to hip hop, rap, and R&B before I met him. I was like 14. Him and I got married and we have two kids. I am still married to him.
Damn, this got long, sorry. I can’t seem to talk about this without telling at least half of my life story, lol . If Linkin Park wasn’t so unique I may have never discovered them. For that I am thankful. Even to this day they lift my spirits when I am starting to feel down and keep them up. My self-discovery journey led me into a spiritual journey , which I have been on going into the second year. This is where I found out I was an empath and needed time to myself more. I am still discovering the person I truly am, but with their help I am starting to feel more like me every day. My spiritual journey healed me, along with “From the Inside,” it came on when I was doing a deep meditation and helped me to get rid of all my past negative energy. After that meditation my PTSD, depression, and anxiety vanished and never came back.
It has been a year since I did that meditation and it still has not come back. The first and only relapse I had happened a week ago. My current situation sucks, not as bad as before, but it still sucks. I live in a one bedroom apartment with my bio mom ( I was adopted), and her boyfriend. Needless to say it is really tight in here and the stress is even worse. I am looking for a solution. No worries I have a job. The pay just sucks. I also write for a living, but I’m not too well known. I’m a self-published Amazon writer. Self marketing is tough. I even took a Marketing class in college and still have a hard time. Ok, enough about that.
One day I was watching music videos, your going to laugh, I did. I never saw “Shadow of the Day,” so I watched it. You know that part at the end of the video where Chester is singing and the flames are in the background and he looks directly at the camera with a come hither look, reaching out towards you. LMAO Yeah, I saw that. The second time I watched the video I was like WTF. The first time I watched it I felt a strong connection that was so overwhelming it took my breath away. It was like someone was trying to tell me something or I really needed some professional help, lol. Anyways, it inspired me to be a better fan to my favorite band of all time. I made a Facebook Page called “Linkin Park Inspired.” The link is here if you want to take a look at it: https://www.facebook.com/LinkinParkInspired/. I wanted to give back to them for saving my life. Their music did the equivalent of taking a razor blade straight out of my hand. I owe them my life. If it wasn’t for them I don’t know where I would be. The page is to let others know what Linkin Park did for me. I plan on making a Facebook group, that will be for other fans to tell their story, and eventually a website. I never been to a concert (financial woes) and my only C.D. of them got all scratched up. Yes, I was mad because I couldn’t afford to replace it. At least not that I knew of. So, I started looking for other ways I could thank them and I found this website. I was like, “Oh, that is what they meant about LPU on Live in Texas.” Needless to say, I am as giddy as a school girl I plan on getting an Underground Digital membership come pay day. I already budgeted it in . I have a Linkin Park budget, lol. I also give them my time as a thank you. I don’t want the websites I create to hurt, degrade, or spread gossip about them. I want the resources I use to be correct, so I do what what I call my Linkin Park homework. During my healing process I just wanted to listen to the music, which I was behind on. Man, the radio is slacking. What is up with that? So, I caught up my listening on YouTube, I plan on buying all their cd’s and research as much as I can. Today’s homework was to write this post and get to know this site. I also plan on basing one of my character’s on Chester Bennington. Not, as himself as a fictional character. So, far I got him as a guide. That is all I am going to say. I’ll let everyone know when it is published. Right now it is in the pre-writing stage. No spoilers.
I love their old stuff and I love their new stuff and I am positive I will love the new album coming out. I am and always will be a loyal and devoted Linkin Park fan. I love them like they are my best friends.