I'm finding it hard to cope up with it


#1

Okay, so I just wanna confess. I had been under depression in the past. The kind you keep falling into. But it had been quite long since the last time I did. So I thought it’s a thing of the past.But the past 2 weeks, I haven’t been very strong. I used to cut myself everyday.No, I’m not doing that now, because my school counsellor had to tell my parents once. My mom that day was like, alright, keep cutting yourself, attention’s all you want. From your friends and the counsellor. Since that day, I never cut myself in visible places.In fact I stopped it altogether because I can’t get out of my house, and I can’t get my tetanus shots in case I need them. I stay at home the entire day. I can’t go out more than once a month for an hour. So I’m pretty much alone. I think I would’ve been able to cope up with his death if I wasn’t so physically alone. I think I’m in it again. But this time, I don’t know, I think I’m going insane. I mean literally. Yesterday I acted really weird.
My relationship with my mom is a joke and with my dad, it’s quite formal. My sister is too young to know all of this. So I have no one. I finished school now but when I was going to school, I was always the strong one. My friends were like how the fuck are you alive in that prison house. I would find therapy in helping others deal with their shit. Well as for me, I had LInkin Park. Right now, I’ve fallen really hard into this. I have friends but I can’t talk to them. I want to let it out but I don’t want people to think I’m weak. They’ll all think Oh, she’s depressed because of some celebrity death. Weak.
I’m not weak I’m just really angry and sad and done with life.
I live in India. Here all the parents care about is whether their kids are doing engineering. Mine are no different. Like legit. That’s ALL they care about. Sometimes I try to show a little bit of how I feel. They either don’t notice, or they just ignore.
I really don’t know. This is actually driving me insane. I can’t even use the internet. I’ve sneaked the laptop in my bathroom. My parents are sleeping. I know these thing s don’t sound that like that big a deal. They aren’t. All of it together is. It’s like a goddamn prison. The only thing that’s been with me right from when I was 11 was lp. All of them were my heroes right from the start. I can’t even believe it.
Hell, I can’t even use a suicide hotline. I can’t make any calls. It feels like I’m getting sucked into this hell hole. I write songs to vent and also because, well I like music. It had been going pretty okay but now It’s so bad that I don’t want to write about it.
I know there’s nothing anyone can do, but I just wanted to let it out here. I think this is the only place where it feels home.


#2

Hey Vivi. First english is not my native language - I am sorry that I can’t express myself the way I’d like to. I feel the amount of words I know is just not enough to tell you how much I can relate. Reading your post was visiting my own situation a few years ago. At first I want to get rid of this… I know it might sound like a stupid thing to say but after a deep valley there’s always a climb to the mountain top again. As much as I like to forget about this myself, it is true. I was so close to ending my misery, but afterwards I was always happy that I didn’t. If it wasn’t for me than at least for my parents, eventhough they seem to be ignorant often times. I’m 22 now, still not really an adult. But I know the feeling of this depression haunting you over and over and over. I’ve too hurt myself to overcome the pain, but as long as there is people like me and you. Feeling alone, we should just help eachother rather than do this all on our own. I wish i just could give you a hug and make it all go away. I don’t know what happened to you - you don’t know what happened to me - but we’re both here. We’re both seeking for help. I think you have the strenght to do this on your own. I had it. You will have it too! But if you don’t - really just hit me up. I know it’s weird I’m just some weirdo from the internet - You can think that or give it a chance - I hope that I can help you, because that’s what I’ve alway wished for when I was in your situation. My friends didn’t seem to care. I had to do it all by myself. But belive me, we can do it! We just have to endure it and overcome this shit. I tell you I looked at myself in the mirror and saw nothing but a body there, I felt I’ve died inside. I was numb. I played a role in my everday life, as you said “the strong one” so nobody would notice. I know this devouring feeling. It sucks. But promise me you won’t give up, it will get better! That’s how life is - sometimes shitty sometimes lovely. We have to be strong! Sending love from a strager!


#3

Hey, Thank you so, so much. It means a lot. I like how you don’t pity me for what I am. I really get what you’re saying. I’m happy that you stayed strong. It gives me some strength too. I guess this coming from a stranger is the best part. And no, I don’t think you’re a weirdo from the internet :stuck_out_tongue: We’re all a community.
Really, I don’t know what to say. I thought no one would even come across it. I just wanted to vent.
Thanks a lot.
Sending some love back. :slight_smile:


#4

We’re here viv. I’m truly sorry your going through this w/ your household situation. Linkin, & Chester’s music is still there. . for you<3 Your time will come when your can get out of there. For now, maybe you can think about the songs that helped get you through things before from LP and listen to them again. They say when you help someone else with their problems, it helps you as well. Helps get your mind off them. And hopefully maybe you won’t feel as bad bc you’ll be working on helping others with theirs. Even if it’s through the internet & on here. We are a Linkin Park family. We are here. K : )


#5

I too have felt like I was kind of depressed at times. My words were meant to come out more like Infinite’s, but didn’t. I don’t think bad if you at all. It’s makes me sad too that your going through that. I concur with what Infinite said. Keep your chin up, take it a day at a time if you have to, but plz don’t give up. It’s just for a short time. And I’m sure once you’re able to go out more, or even on your own, you’ll see you’re friends again, make new ones, and be happy you hung in there. It’s just for a season . .
And this community is here. : )


#6

Please just try to breath…! Only that…! I understand you so much…


#7

Thank You.
Thanks a lot. Maybe I just wanted to hear something like that. This is the first time I’ve really said anything about this so openly. I thought I was a jerk for doing that later on. But really, you guys help.


#8

Of course! We here for you…! Whatever you need… we are family…


#9

Thank you so much man… I’m glad.


#10

We are here for one another without judgment as I suffer from depression and anxiety it’s hard sometimes, but it makes all the difference in the world when you don’t have someone to judge you. To come to this page and to see I’m not alone helps a little. So know your not alone and have someone to talk to. Since, Chester passed away I feel an emptiness don’t know how to explain just taking it day by day. So, know you have friends that are here


#11

I too am finding hard to cope with his loss. And shame on the VMAs for cutting the Chester tribute short and going to commercial, and not properly honoring them,


#12

Don’t ever think that! Don’t be afraid to show your pain and your weaknesses.

I was like that my whole life, but it never helps! Pretending that everything’s ok just keeps making things worse. Don’t be afraid to be seen crying by others. Don’t push yourself to pretend that you don’t feel anything. We’re all humans, we feel and that’s completely normal.

I understand your situation, I was in it many times, that neverending circle that can’t be escaped. Guess what? It’s not neverending. It will end, believe me. Maybe not right now, but it will. You need to fight it and always hope it will get better, because in the end, it will and you’ll be happy.

When Chester died, I also felt like I have no one to talk about this, because no one would understand. Not my friends, not my family, not even my husband. I thought they’d think that it’s just some celebrity, why does she mourn something she’s never known?? I wrote here and people here helped me a lot. But it’s not enough when your closest friends and family don’t know what’s happening.

When I couldn’t handle it anymore, I told my husband and my sister about how I feel, that it’s like my best friend just died. I explained what it meant for me and how LP saved me from suicide. They saw me crying once for two hours straight until my head hurt and I was sick. And they understood how bad it is for me. Since that we’re in that together, they’re there for me. All it needed was to tell and show them how I feel, though it was incredibly hard for me and I felt stupid and like it’s for nothing and they wouldn’t understand. They did. Well my sister might not fully understand but she’s there for me anyways. She knows how I feel and that’s enough.

Maybe it’s like that with your friends, maybe you just need to show your feelings and weaknesses, explain them what Chester meant for you, how he helped you through it all. It will not drive your friends away - and if it will, they’re not really your friends. Everybody needs help sometimes and feels weak.

If you don’t feel like talking to them, you can always come here and write about it. You can send me a PM if you want, I will try to be there for you. Don’t think about the others, think about yourself this time. It will help you and we’ll listen. Don’t ever feel stupid for your feelings, ever! You are a beautiful soul, so let it shine everywhere - both good and bad. It’s all completely normal and human.

Also try to listen to LP, they’re always there for you, no matter what. They’ll help heal this wound, just like all the other ones.

Sending big hugs for you, hang on in there :hugs:


#14

It’s how most of the world works man, really. Everything is commercial.


#15

Hey, I know I’m kind of late to reply to this. But things were such that I couldn’t use the internet until now.
But I just want to say.Thank you. Really, I don’t know how to say this but all this time that I was away, the only thing that I really really missed was this place. The way everyone’s sensitive toward everyone else. The way everyone just gets each other. How I fit in here so easily. LIke it’s family, which it is. How you and so many others find the time and feel the need to really care. It’s so beautiful.
I really don’t know if I can say what I’m thinking. And thanks for sharing your personal life, just to help me out. It gives a kind of strength.
Letting you know, you have me too.
Love, Vivitsa.


#16

Couldn’t agree more. Taking it in day by day. But yeah, we are all in this together


#17

In this world it’s so difficult when you have someone who doesn’t get what
your going through for such a long time,and now he says I get it…I don’t
know what to feel…it’s complicated :thinking:im glad there are other people who I
can talk to.


#18

I truly know what u going through. I have gone a lot more and i have to attempted suicide 2 times and some how lp help me get though a lot. And when chester passed away it hit me heard and again i fell alone and got really depressed everything came back to me form my passed and i got down fast. So i know what u going through. Everything will be okay and we are here for u


#19

No problem, any time :slight_smile: I’m too busy with work these days, so it takes time to reply for me too.

You don’t have to thank me, I just hope you are better :wink: I’m glad I gave you a bit of strength to go on. Wish you all the best :heart:
Yes, this place is amazing! :slight_smile:

Just write what you feel, don’t be ashamed :hugs: Here you can write anything you want :slight_smile:


#20

Got to try and think positive guys…I’ve had it and come through it but I’m aware it’ll come back at some point but my coping mechanism is that it won’t last…just keep reminding yourself it’s a temporary state of mind :v:


#21

That I can understand.