Hey guys, sorry I just wanted to post this somewhere and share it with anybody who’s willing to listen. Maybe it does not really belong to this forum, it’s not really related to LP or whatever. Maybe you will laugh at me, maybe you’ll mock me - because that’s what people do when I try to point such things out. But whatever. I needed to get it out.
It’s about the greatest fear in my life. And no, it’s not spiders, they’re the second, maybe third You’d be surprised what kind of things my mind is bordered with.
So, to the point.
I’ve always been a scientist, even since young age. I’ve always liked to learn new things about the world, people, space. I was curious about everything and eager to explore. Just like my little Laura is. One of the consequences of my analytic mind for other people is that sometimes they think I’m too painfully truthful and cold. But I just usually try to think with pure logic.
You remember those movies like The Fifth Element where some alien comes to Earth, tries to learn everything about it and its people and then after some time (s)he sees some videos with an atomic bomb and starts to cry and hate humanity? That’s me. When I first saw it, I was like 8-10 years old and I literally started to cry. About the stupidity of people. About them destroying the nature with this, with pollution, with plastic, everything. About destroying themselves and each other. So much knowledge, so many possibilities and so little awareness. Since then it started haunting me. I started to understand the “mad scientists” who killed themselves because they discovered how things work in this world.
About 10-15 years ago when started to grab a bit of sense of politics, I saw this document on TV. They said that (I don’t remember the year because my head is somehow not wired to remember years and names, so don’t ask me about any details, please) there was a U.S. submarine that almost destroyed the whole world because the captain was a bit crazy and almost fired a large - no, huge - world-destroying - atomic bomb that would wipe out everything. I realized that we’re closer to this than we think. Just a few crazy people on high places are enough.
I know, I know, I sound like those crazy priests from the catastrophic movies who preach about the end of the world and nobody listens to them. But the truth is that in our everyday lives we try to close our eyes before the world’s problems to try to survive the day. I try to do it too but maybe I was cursed because I see the world for what it is and can’t turn it off.
A few years back I had this episode in my life when I woke up every night on a brutally vivid nightmare about a nuclear war. In the dream, I always stood somewhere on a known place and watched a faraway land in expectation of the inevitable when I heard a huge blast and then after a few seconds I saw the large mushroom cloud. Then I watched the fiery wall quickly spreading around it, closing to me and, finally, burning me alive. It was real like I was there. I was living it. Over and over again. I was so scared. I felt the fire burning me, I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. And I thought: “So this is how I end up? This is what dying looks like? It’s horrible, scary, painful!” I always woke up screaming and all sweaty. Sometimes I tried to run in those dreams but usually I just knew I don’t have anywhere to hide and the end will come whether I want it or not. Even if there would be any places here to hide, by now, they would be already filled with rich people.
Those dreams disappeared for some time now. But with the recent development in the world and the USA withdrawing from the nuclear arms treaty they started to come back. But with a 1000-tonne additional load of worries. Because just my life is not the only thing I have to fear for anymore. Now those vivid dreams contain one more little human being who cannot take care for herself and who dies first every single time. And I have to watch it, all of it. I have to relive the moment when I helplessly and unluckily think of a shelter for her, when I replay the images of her suffering from the radiation symptoms in my mind, when I see the blast coming for her, … Everything.
All this makes me thinking - should I have really brought her into this world? Don’t get me wrong. Laura is the best thing that happened to me in my life. The best! Maybe I sound cliche like all those parents but it’s true. I never wanted children because my father left us when I was little and I didn’t want my future children to suffer the same (because all men are the same, right? - that was my young age thinking). But I’m glad I have her, with the right man in my life, and it’s literally the best thing that ever happened to me. Children are awesome and the joy they bring to one’s life, it’s just irreplaceable. For this I would do it again.
But I’m thinking about it for her. Is it right to bring a child into such world? To see her suffering in a few decades when the world destroys itself by atomic bombs, global warming or something else? To know that she might never see some of the animals that live today? That maybe in a few decades the bees might go extinct? That she might never see the underwater beauty as we knew it? That she will live in a world where the temperature will slowly rise until it’s unbearable? I really don’t know and I’m afraid of what the future might bring for her. My heart hopes for the best, but my skeptic scientist mind fears the worst.
I can’t understand how are people not going crazy scared about global warming, about pollution, about the situation between the world powers. Maybe they displace it in their mind, push it back in their will to survive the day? I don’t know but we should do something. Anything. To make the world a better place. Not for us, but for our children…