It’s been a month, and I still forget sometimes. I’ll watch an interview and laugh along and for a second I wonder what’s coming up, where the next show is going to be or when another interview will come out, and then I go to look on twitter or something and it hits me and its like its a month ago all over again. Feeling like this over a celebrity, for me at least, is strange, its not something i thought would ever really happen i guess. It’s been hard though.
I feel like a should preface this with a slight trigger warning, as suicide and other things along those lines will be brought up, but anyways,
I was introduced to them (according to my family) as a baby, and really started to get into LP when I was about in early elementary, so probably 8-10 or something like that. Linkin Park quickly became a home to me, and something that kept me grounded and served as a constant while I had a very unstable life. I was severely bullied all throughout middle school, I had been sexually manipulated at a young age, I lost family members from suicide and mental illness as well as dealing with it myself, and just a lot more than someone at that age should have to deal with, but it was all kind of made okay when I had LP. Seeing that somebody who was in the public eye like Chester was went through similar struggles that I had made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I’ve heard Mike talk about in a few interviews about how when writing this album he’d think about how things would just pile up and sometimes it was something really little that would kind of push him over the edge and that’s how I’ve felt my entire life, everything just keeps piling on top.
Chester passed a few days after the 6 year anniversary of my aunt’s death, who also committed suicide. It hit me hard. I’m still trying to comprehend my mother who tried to do the same on new years, and then with chester and my aunt I was honestly at a loss. I still am. I’m about to be 16, and I never really saw myself making it this far, so the closer I get to my birthday the more and more i start panicking because i don’t know what to do, I never planned for this. I have been clean from self harm for nearly 3 years but recently its all I’ve been able to think about. its gotten really hard to hold on. I’ve also started smoking cigarettes again even though i had stopped long ago, it was almost like a substitute for cutting myself again but its still not great. I was supposed to go to the Las Vegas show, but now I’m going to the memorial on the same day instead, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to. How do you guys cope with it all?
I guess I want to thank LP for being there for me with the music, and all the wonderful people I’ve spoken to from the LP community for being so kind and for sharing you’re stories with me. It’s done a great amount of good. And thank you Chester for being such a kind and caring human, and for always looking out for your fans and for those who couldn’t look out for themselves. You’re kind heart will be missed.