I never much bought into the idea of a song saving your life or keeping you from doing something bad. I think that if a song made you not want to kill yourself, then you weren’t really too intent on it in the first place. I never much believed in the idea of a song having a very large effect on a person at all, really.
Memories consume, like opening the wound, I’m picking me apart again
Growing up, I never made friends easily. Oh, sure, I had people I called friends, and maybe they even called me the same, but it was always entirely superficial. There was never any meaning to any relationships. I always felt like I just couldn’t do that. I never told anyone, or really ever thought about why. I think on some level I assumed it was normal.
You all assume I’m safe here in my room, unless I try to start again
And it’s continued for me into adulthood, though at some point I figured out I was a little different. I have a lot of trouble forming meaningful relationships. I do find it easier to connect with people online, but even then I end up pushing people away before they ever get close. Even though I feel like there’s almost nothing I want in this world more than to love someone and be loved by someone, I always find a way to keep it from happening.
I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose, cause inside I realise that I’m the one confused
I’ve lost family (though thankfully not all of it) along with whatever friends I ever had, and 2 full-time jobs. If it’s starting to sound like I live my life down in the dumps…yeah, there are days. About 5 years ago, I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed bipolar, and have been receiving treatment ever since.
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don’t know why I instigate, and say what I don’t mean
It’s like those are words I’ve been wanting to say my whole life. I didn’t know why I push people away, why I’m always compelled to do things I know will only bring me pain. And why I keep doing them over and over again.
I don’t know how I got this way, I know it’s not all right
One week ago today, I was talked down from jumping off a bridge. I don’t remember stepping over that barricade, or what drove me to it. I’ve never consciously wanted to die but I’ve felt compelled to put myself in mortal danger at times in my life. I just remember the faces of the people who saved my life.
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door, I try to catch my breath again
We talk sometimes about fighting demons, but I feel like I’m doing that literal thing these past few days. I had sessions with two different therapists this past week, old one and a new one, and both came away thinking I had been under the wrong diagnosis the whole time, that I actually have schizoaffective disorder.
The “schizo” part of that means what you think it does. It’s a psychiatric condition that basically combines features of schizophrenia with bipolar and clinical depression. Lucky me, huh?
I hurt much more than any time before, I had no options left again
This is about as low as I’ve gone.
But for the first time in my life, a song has really helped me so much. I heard the song “Breaking the Habit” again for the first time in years 3 days ago. And it was just, everything I was feeling. All in one burst. I cried for an hour after hearing it the first time again. It’s something I’ve never experienced before.
It makes me feel less afraid. Gives me hope, and that’s a really rare thing for me most of the time. I’m sure Chester doesn’t have any of my lovely psychiatric maladies, but hearing him sing these words, it makes me feel like someone really understands me. Like I’m not all alone. And that’s such a beautiful gift.
My road will still be a long one. My sleep is incredibly erratic. Sometimes I sleep for 20 minutes, sometimes 20 hours. Always wake up tired. The meds I’m on make me lose all track of the time even when I’m awake. If my behaviour wasn’t doing it already, that’s putting a further strain on whatever relationships I have left. I don’t always eat enough, and I don’t really leave my house. I always try to have someone home with me, since I’m not sure I’ll be okay alone. Honestly, there’s still every possibility I could die at a much younger age than my physical health would suggest.
But most of the time, I feel like I have a chance. Like there’s hope. And a lot of it’s due to that powerful feeling of understanding I get from the song. I used to think nobody really could understand how my head works – hell, I don’t even understand it. Hearing Chester sing this amazing song though makes me feel like the answers are out there, since someone else is asking the same questions.
So I’m breaking the habit tonight
God only knows. But I sure hope so.